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July is almost over. I can't believe it's half-way through the year. It's been a while since I posted. It's always something. Maybe I am just not really as comfortable knowing that people can read my thoughts. Any random person can really know what I am thinking and what's really going on in my life were I to write down actual thoughts and ideas and problems at any given time. I feel as though I need to tonight because, well I don't have any one to talk to. What happens when you find out that the person you're with doesn't really care the way you envisioned they SHOULD care. That when it comes to compromise, someone really does have to. Not those simple, no-brainer compromises like who's going to do the dishes or who's turn is it to feed the cats, but like things that mean something, like the company the other person keeps.

Life is just not simple, and I guess it shouldn't be, but somethings that happen really do hurt...even if no one is physically hurt or the pain doesn't show. It hurts something inside, damages it, and really does need restoration. I don't want to be hurt, or in pain. I just want to be happy and I guess I don't really want to work on getting happy...I just want it to naturally occur. I don't believe the idea that you can't know what it is to be happy if you are never sad. I don't know who said that first, and I know I've told people that myself but I really don't believe it now that I am having a sad, feel sorry for yourself moment.

Nothing drastic, but my heart is heavy and I don't have good feelings right now.

posted by rocki 7:21 PM

Cinco De Mayo
Certainly a strange day. We are being forced to take vacation time before the 16 of May. I do not think this is legal but they're doing it anyway. I have two and a half days off starting the afternoon of the 14th. I wish I had more vacation time. I really, really need a break. It seems like work is a boiling pot. They did it the wrong way when they told us that it was to be business-as-usual until the split. I really feel like this IS a hostile work environment because I still don't know where I am supposed to go, what to sell and how to feel. It's all still up in the air. It is definitely because they decide to drag it out, instead of a clean and swift break.

Which begs the question, is it better to sever ties immediately or to have an organized (thought it often does not work out that way) and long separation process? I've always ALWAYS believed that when you leave, you should do it quickly. Going through this with my work only reinforces this belief. I have often doubted the way I just leave things, and I do have lingering regrets on how I have behaved, BUT clearly slow and easy does not do it. It just leaves time for the wound to fester and even spread. Like a rash or an irritation that gets worse over time.

Not much else is happening. Everything is pretty normal at home. I am just tired today because I didn't sleep until 3 am (I had me somefun with my husband!)
posted by rocki 3:18 PM

It's raining outside in Sherman Oaks.

It just started my office has no windows so i went up to the roof at my 3:30 break (oooh i broke a rule...i took my break at 3:37! only those who work here understand this) . ours is the tallest building in the city: 22 floors. the other day, a lady jumped from the roof and landed on an awaiting police car.

i asked the head of security what went on and he looked as though he was secret service, and the president just got shot. he said this has happened before, but not while he has been the head.

its funny how people don't value life. how most people choose to live it as minimally as they can. i say live it up. you only have once. you're only young and beautiful so long. you only have your friends and family, the ones you hold dear now, for a short time. And it is short.

i can remember even only three years ago, 2000. my friends, priorities and somethings i thought were so important, aren't even around anymore.

i wish i could do more for people. i don't think that i could do anything to save lives or to prevent suicide or anything like that. i really think people will do what they want. what i would like is to affect people to be the best they can be, and not just for the moment but for as long as they can. i know that this happens to me, when i think of certain people in my life, like past and present loves, my friends and my family.

i know that there is a lot of living to do. and you only get once. so make it count.
posted by rocki 4:19 PM

Its Tuesday, I have 2 hours left here and I've seriously run out of work to do. I tried to play music, do puzzles, eat junk food, read as much email and news as I possibly can. And now, I am getting desperate. I am writing down how bored I am. I work for what was NewsFactor Network. The network will be splitting up in a few months. Its really sad because though I am sure that money does play into it, the split is really happening because the owners just cannot get along. Two of the three owners are brother and sister. I can't imagine not being able to make up with someone you spent your childhood with. The split is truly a bummer, but I suppose it is necessary. I am just glad that I am going with the better group.

When I say better, I mean that the majority of the employees are in this group. Also, we have the better media properties --or at least the ones that I sell more of.

I am basically without much to do because I choose to not do as much. Because I am in sales, I can literally write my own paycheck. But what do I do instead? Pretty much goof off all day. I do enough to get by, maybe even excell sometimes. It's almost like high school. That's a pretty weird realization. That my 30-year old life, resembles high school. Different circumstances (I'm married, I pay my own bills, I have a boss) but pretty much the same person. I think I'll have to do alot of thinking about this.

Rocki



posted by rocki 4:08 PM

Its a cold lazy Friday and I am at work while I am doing this...obvious the boss is away. Its been a strange day, mostly weather-related (probably) since its unusually gray in the valley where it often feels almost too hot in April.

I feel uneasy and restless...almost anxious. Could be from any number of things I had today: the fourth cup of coffee from before lunch -- always with a package of equal, just in case the caffeine doesn't provide that jolt I need, the 2 chocolate chip cookies that a co-worker made, my excellent grilled chicken sandwich (with fantastic crusty bread) lunch from Roman's, the before AND after lunch cigarette, or the lemon tea I am having now. All could be the reason why I am either over-stimulated, or at a low point from being overstimulated.

I am looking forward to my yoga class tonight and to hanging out with my co-workers after work. I am glad that I work with nice people. Some of them seem troubled, but I suppose everyone has issues and hardships and obstacles. I just wish they didn't. I am generally oblivious to other people's real dilemmas. Almost to a point of superficiality. I think I don't want to get involved emotionally because I am afraid of having to really feel pain. I have had painful things happen, like losing my mom, and know I am afraid of being around any real pain.

I am now listening to my very tiny radio, which is actually a really cool little gadget. It is tiny enough that it looks like my phone headset. I am just going to zone out...on the other hand, I think I feel the lemon tea kicking in now. I think I am back.


posted by rocki 3:02 PM

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